Seriously..I .uh… Googled it.

There is no better place for this confession than here. Like most moms- I experience many moments of pure bliss- and those other moments that are down low- you know, those times when you just aren’t sure what to try next.. how you are going to make it better. And at many of those times, I confess.. Google was there for me.

It started with my desire for pure efficiency. Google was the fastest way to find out . And I have googled a lot. I have googled favorite authors, hard to find items to purchase, news stories, long lost phone numbers, recipes, puppy training questions, herb growing recommendations, art projects, lyrics to the kids favorite songs..

I have also googled abnormal lab values, while I worried and waited impatiently for the doctor’s call. I have googled the prognosis for my daughter’s retinal deterioration, to see the collected Google opinion about how much longer she will be able to see. I have googled myself (okay who hasn’t) but only after my Fathers’ book Crossbearer was reviewed and  New York Times book reviewer Christopher Buckley  referred to me as the “ out of wedlock daughter” , but the all time low was when I googled this.. “ how to make 8 year old girl happy” .

Seriously. (seriously as in, that one word made famous by Gray’s Anatomy that conveys disbelief, amazement, defeat, acceptance, condolence) I actually googled “ How+to+make+an+8+year+old+girl+happy.” Seriously.

I missed her smile, her charm, her affection , the way she shimmited across her bedroom floor as she sang her favorite songs- the way she used to start her day by sleepily climbing into my lap in the early morning, her body still warm from deep sleep, her eyes only half open as she wrapped her arms around me and settled into me. I missed her and I was trying everything. I went back to basics, more love, more sunshine, more backyard time- and when nothing was working I actually asked Google what I might be missing. Today she is getting better. New medicines, some new doctors- eventually we got to the bottom of it. But along the way, there were times when she looked terrible and I felt worse.

Here is what Google won't even try to tell you. How you should answer a curious child who approaches Zoe and I , loudly questioning- “ Why can’t she walk?”  What to say as the child stops and stares at my intelligent, sweet little girl, whose face falls as she realizes that the child isn’t just saying hello but  instead staring curiously at her walker or wheelchair . What I am supposed to say as the child looks at me m staring past Zoe  as if she isn’t even there. And  I feel for the parent standing there awkwardly , mouth hanging open- but I feel for Zoe more. And I don’t want Zoe to feel any more different than she already does, I don’t want to call attention to what she cannot do- I don't want to talk about what challenges her. And so for this question, there is no perfect answer. Even at Google.


Finding My Father...

How a daughter given up at birth learned her father was Joe Eszterhas


Sunday, August 03, 2008 , James Ewinger

Cleveland Plain Dealer Reporter






Joe Eszterhas sits on a big leather couch next to his grown daughter.

It is a quiet moment at the Geauga County home of a writer renowned and reviled for "Basic Instinct" and his other violent, sexually charged movies.

But for him and for her -- father and daughter -- this gentle suburban idyll is far more dramatic than anything he's written. This is the first time either has spoken publicly about their relationship.

Until 1996, these two were unknown to each other. Suzanne Perryman, as she is known today, was adopted at birth by others 40 years ago. She moved to Arizona , where she still lives.

After the death of her adopted father in 1986 and the collapse of her first marriage, Perryman was ready to look into the eyes of a blood relative.

She did not know that she was looking for the man viewed as Attila the Screenwriter.

She did not know her biological parents, did not know their names, where they were, what they did or whether they even wanted to see her.

"I grew up very comfortable with the idea that I was adopted," Perryman said. But she wanted to know her own story.

 To read the complete article, please click here..